I've always thought it would be peaceful to bleed to death in a bathtub, but I can't say that's the way I thought I'd go. I've thought about the old age thing...dying in my sleep next to the one I've shared my life with, or letting go in hopes of reuniting with him (or her?) in the afterlife. Maybe I never found that person, and I spent the days of my life talking to my cats who eventually eat me because no one found my body until a month after I died.
That was me being optimistic.
Life is like a marathon. You keep running, and running, and running. Sometimes you trip, sometimes you puke all over yourself, sometimes your lungs burn and everything inside you screams for you to stop but you keep running. You signed up for the race for a reason, and even if you didn't you somehow find that reason along the way. When you finish that race you may feel like shit and one of your toes may be falling off, but there's the relief that you persevered and actually fucking made it.
Right now, my lungs are burning and every thing in me is telling me to quit. I never did sign up for this, did I?
As I pack my things and wonder where the goddamn fuck I'm going to go I envision myself setting it all on fire and leaping from the Golden Gate Bridge to find my new home with the man-eating sharks that are waiting below with forks and bibs for the ones that are just too tired to run anymore.
I keep wondering how so many people are able to keep going. So many more people have gone through situations a vagillion times worse than the one I'm in now but they keep fighting. They eat another Power Bar, stretch, and they're off to face another day hoping that things do get better and maybe the race gets a little easier to run.
Life terrifies me. There were moments where I was happy and everything was an adventure. I was flying toward that finish line and nothing could stop me. Puppies, kitties, and rainbow-puking unicorns that sang show tunes were cheering me on from the sideline and I was doing it. I...was...running! I don't remember how that feels. Sure, I smile and joke and eat and poop like there's nothing wrong but my insides are dust, sand, and ash.
Sometimes the one you thought would love you forever stops loving you. Sometimes the one that supports you and tells you they want to spend their life with you, decides in one horrible moment that they don't want you in their life anymore. Sometimes your parents won't let you stay with them because Jesus isn't living in your heart. Sometimes you're tired of asking people for help. Sometimes...you just want to quit the race. Peel off that number and lay down on the side of the road and just fucking die.
That's how I feel right now. Sure, I know there will be those people staring on from the race in disgust because I gave up. You think I don't feel that disgust for myself? Please...I don't think it's possible for anyone to feel the self loathing I have in this instance. I've used up all my resources and each day has been a battle. I'd do anything to feel the joy I felt and the love I've shared, but I can't have that back.
It's gone.
Life ain't sparkles and sunshine dust. When I look a bit closer, the puppies have eaten the kittens and are choking on their bones. The unicorn is doing crack and is shitting its life out onto my face and I gasp for air on the sidelines as people run past me. There's no knight to in shining armor and I'm not a fucking princess. I am nothing but a sack of skin.
All I have is empty bottles where my soul used to reside and very sharp blade that's taking the rest of it away. Each drop of my life that escapes is like a memory and life is slowly but surely, passing before my eyes. Drip, drip, drop. Childhood, regrets, and even those joyful moments drip into the sea of failure that I've surrounded myself in.
Now I remember the things I wanted to do. Hahaha, it's funny how these things work. You take something away and then you realize you wanted it. Oh well. It's about time I slept. Whenever I dream I've died I'm always at peace. Nothing matters any more. No more bills, no more worrying about who, or what, or when. No worrying about the pain you're causing others. Just peace. Just rest. At least that's something to look forward to.
It's funny that today I woke up so early. I guess I should watch the sun rise one last time.
"Close your eyes."
"Why? What are you doing?"
"Just close your eyes, I have a surprise for you."
I close my eyes and you slip something onto my finger.
"You can open your eyes now."
I open them and on my finger is a green, plastic, clover ring.
I smile and you carry me away into the sunset as everything fades into nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment