Play me off, keyboard cat.

I've always thought it would be peaceful to bleed to death in a bathtub, but I can't say that's the way I thought I'd go. I've thought about the old age thing...dying in my sleep next to the one I've shared my life with, or letting go in hopes of reuniting with him (or her?) in the afterlife. Maybe I never found that person, and I spent the days of my life talking to my cats who eventually eat me because no one found my body until a month after I died.

That was me being optimistic.

Life is like a marathon. You keep running, and running, and running. Sometimes you trip, sometimes you puke all over yourself, sometimes your lungs burn and everything inside you screams for you to stop but you keep running. You signed up for the race for a reason, and even if you didn't you somehow find that reason along the way. When you finish that race you may feel like shit and one of your toes may be falling off, but there's the relief that you persevered and actually fucking made it.

Right now, my lungs are burning and every thing in me is telling me to quit. I never did sign up for this, did I?

As I pack my things and wonder where the goddamn fuck I'm going to go I envision myself setting it all on fire and leaping from the Golden Gate Bridge to find my new home with the man-eating sharks that are waiting below with forks and bibs for the ones that are just too tired to run anymore.

I keep wondering how so many people are able to keep going. So many more people have gone through situations a vagillion times worse than the one I'm in now but they keep fighting. They eat another Power Bar, stretch, and they're off to face another day hoping that things do get better and maybe the race gets a little easier to run.

Life terrifies me. There were moments where I was happy and everything was an adventure. I was flying toward that finish line and nothing could stop me. Puppies, kitties, and rainbow-puking unicorns that sang show tunes were cheering me on from the sideline and I was doing it. I...was...running! I don't remember how that feels. Sure, I smile and joke and eat and poop like there's nothing wrong but my insides are dust, sand, and ash.

Sometimes the one you thought would love you forever stops loving you. Sometimes the one that supports you and tells you they want to spend their life with you, decides in one horrible moment that they don't want you in their life anymore. Sometimes your parents won't let you stay with them because Jesus isn't living in your heart. Sometimes you're tired of asking people for help. Sometimes...you just want to quit the race. Peel off that number and lay down on the side of the road and just fucking die.

That's how I feel right now. Sure, I know there will be those people staring on from the race in disgust because I gave up. You think I don't feel that disgust for myself? Please...I don't think it's possible for anyone to feel the self loathing I have in this instance. I've used up all my resources and each day has been a battle. I'd do anything to feel the joy I felt and the love I've shared, but I can't have that back.

It's gone.

Life ain't sparkles and sunshine dust. When I look a bit closer, the puppies have eaten the kittens and are choking on their bones. The unicorn is doing crack and is shitting its life out onto my face and I gasp for air on the sidelines as people run past me. There's no knight to in shining armor and I'm not a fucking princess. I am nothing but a sack of skin.

All I have is empty bottles where my soul used to reside and very sharp blade that's taking the rest of it away. Each drop of my life that escapes is like a memory and life is slowly but surely, passing before my eyes. Drip, drip, drop. Childhood, regrets, and even those joyful moments drip into the sea of failure that I've surrounded myself in.

Now I remember the things I wanted to do. Hahaha, it's funny how these things work. You take something away and then you realize you wanted it. Oh well. It's about time I slept. Whenever I dream I've died I'm always at peace. Nothing matters any more. No more bills, no more worrying about who, or what, or when. No worrying about the pain you're causing others. Just peace. Just rest. At least that's something to look forward to.

It's funny that today I woke up so early. I guess I should watch the sun rise one last time.

"Close your eyes."
"Why? What are you doing?"
"Just close your eyes, I have a surprise for you."
I close my eyes and you slip something onto my finger. 
"You can open your eyes now."
I open them and on my finger is a green, plastic, clover ring.

I smile and you carry me away into the sunset as everything fades into nothing.

Ghost of My Heart

Nothing's been the same
since the day you died
all the vines are withered
and the berries, dried
A zombie walks
through my front door
opens my fridge
walks on my floors
A remnant, a shell
reflects in the glass
It blinks through the eyes
that have seen my past
No glimmer, no glint
no sparkle or shine
There's nothing there
since I left you behind.

Dec. 25th, 2011

Flatlining

I'm drifting slowly into another universe.
The radio keeps playing songs about fire, water, and death.
It's not raining. It's pouring.
I think there's gonna be a fire tonight.

I keep having a beautiful dream filled with blue and purple swirls.
We're the white mist of spirits.
Until the end of time.

I can't get my thoughts in order.
I keep looking for a message in the words but I can't listen anymore.
I just wanted to feel a little different.

What do we do when we're all out of stories?
When the energy to make new ones leaves our worn and weary bodies?
then all we want is a good night's sleep that lasts.

I'll search every single star to find you.
Then we'll search the stars together.
We'll fill our books and watch the sands of the hourglass empty into space.

There I go daydreaming again.
Looking for an answer in magic.
Fantasy defined isn't what I want to believe.

I'll create the world I want to live in.
The places I want to go aren't real.
I'll meet you there if you can follow.

Peace is the feeling when we're intertwined.
Love is the prescription.
Let's play doctor and watch you can watch me flatline.

only in dream journals

Hello there, guvna.

   For about a month I've been practicing lucid dreaming and I've noticed a strange pattern. There have been a few nights (at least once a week in the past month) where I have difficulty sleeping. I usually give up trying to sleep after an hour or so and do some work around the apartment or hang out on the balcony to see if any creatures are wandering around below. When I finally crawl back into bed around 3, 4, or even 5 am I start to have freaky dreams. The thing that is really freaky about these dreams is that they're all in the apartment, they seem very real, and I usually experience sleep paralysis upon waking.

   Last night I couldn't sleep so I cleaned the entire apartment and did my laundry that I had put off for about a week. I crawled back into bed around 3am and must have fallen asleep immediately because things started to get weird. I didn't think I was asleep. I had woken up (in a dream) and my head was covered with the blanket, like I had been scared by something. Then I felt something trying to smother me. I woke up again in a dream, blanket over my head. I took the blanket off. There was a pretty woman wearing all black with black hair on the ground sneaking out of my bedroom and I slid off the ground and uh...tried to have sex with her. The dream ended before anything good happened (boo) and I woke up in real life. The blanket was over my head.  I was freaked out, but I just went back to sleep. I felt that pressure again, like something was trying to smother me. This happened a few times. Once in the dream my bf got up and went to the bathroom. After that, he woke me up for real because I had been scooting over and slowly pushing him off the bed.  He actually got up and went to the bathroom and I thought I saw a figure in the doorway next to my closet. I ran into the living room to get my warmer, fuzzy blanket because I was freezing. I looked at the clock and it was 3:30 AM.  Then I slept, dreamless, until about noon.

Sweet Dreams.

 

Today is yesterday's tomorrow.

Sorry I was all "I'm going to post about this tomorrow!" and that never happened. Also, fuck that jar. I hate it.

If you need an excuse for my absence. a grumpy wizard cast a spell of laziness on me after I spilled coffee on his new robes. The spell is starting to wear off but I'm still fighting its effects. If there's some kind of lotion you know of that removes spells let me know. Until then it's Espresso.

I did write a poem. It was supposed to be kind of funny, but maybe that I think it's funny means I'm the sick one. Enough about me...let's talk about you.

choked up

and not with tears

tied down

but your schedule is clear

recurring nightmare

your greatest fear

Welcome home, my Dear

torture chamber

through the bedroom door

plastic coating

from ceiling to floor

rope burns, muffled screams

and bruises on skin

chop, slice, sever

let the fun begin

Goodnight Lover

you must be beat

it's a wrap

wash. rinse...repeat.

Here are some photos I edited recently:

Heart's Song

"Sleep" - The song that inspired this deviation.

I took a picture of sheet music and layered it with other images for these two photos.

I asked my boyfriend to take a pic of me wearing my creepy grandma gown I bought at a thrift store. All the following deviations were made on my iPhone using this photo.

I look sick.

Haunted

Many apps have a symmetry filter. I added the blood effects in an Halloween effects app and then added a filter to make it cohesive.

I don't really like this version I made, but I like what was created when I used symmetry.

It's creepy and I like it. The more I look at this the more evil I see.

Oh! I made a bookmark, too.

Until next time...



8-15-11

   I could start off this blog by telling you everything there is to know about me, but I'd rather you get to know me the hard way by reading about my day to day life.

    I woke up a little later than I'd typically like today. I've just gotten over a nasty cold and needed some extra snoozing to face the day. It was probably about 10:30 in the late morning before I got myself up and running at the speed of life.

   What a beautiful day! I had to clean the apartment because the property managers are coming by for inspections sometime tomorrow. I scrubbed all the scuff marks and blue hair dye splotches (oops) off the walls and doors. I swept, wiped, dusted, and sanctified just about everything in this apartment. I didn't vacuum, though, and for that I am greatly shamed.

   Around noon-thirty I went outside to get some exercise and a good dose of vitamin D. There's a lovely trail that runs along a creek just behind the apartment complex and it is about 12 miles long. There was nary a cloud in the sky today and I couldn't help but smile as I listened to music and soaked up the lovely afternoon sunshine.

Crossing stones to get to my special place.

   There's a few places off of the path that I like to visit from time to time when I decide to go for a hike. My favorite is a path of rocks that leads across the creek over a drop off nestled in a small grove of trees. The sun speckles the rocks through the leaves of the trees and shadows dance to the beat of the wind in the waters pouring over the gray stones. I feel like I'm in a little fairy grove and my unicorn will prance up to me any moment asking for a treat and thanking me for it with a nuzzle to the face. Only in dreams.
   The attire I had chosen wasn't really up to par for a hike. I wore a long-sleeved silky floral dress cinched at the waist with a black belt, grey leggings, and lace-up black boots that went to mid-calf. It didn't stop me from getting myself dirtied by nature, but I think next time I'll wear jeans and tennis shoes.

Not good for hiking.

   I love animals and I usually see a fair share of them on my little hikes. Today
 I saw my friend Toaster, the black squirrel . I've seen him several times from my porch on the second floor of the building. He likes to nap on the fence. I got a video of me trying to entice him from a tree to be friends, but I think he wanted to play it safe this time. To be honest, saying "meow" wasn't the best maneuver I used in trying to befriend the cute rodent. I usually bring a healthy treat in my pocket for any friends I might see, but I forgot this time. Sadness.
  I was all sweaty and gooey from sunshine and frolics so I had to shower before moving on to more fun stuff. I can go into detail, but it was mostly me washing dirt off my body in a non-sexy way.

In progress. Little boxes on the hillside.

   I really love boxes. I don't know why. I just do. I have cardboard boxes from craft stores, boxes from products that were sturdy enough to be kept, and wooden boxes from thrift stores and flea markets that caught my eye. Lately I started to put these boxes to use with my crafting talent.

The  completed "I'm Watching You" treasure box.

   I made a delicious egg sandwich for my love (Juice Pig) and I for dinner. I spread mayo (which I usually hate) and Chipotle Tabasco sauce onto each side of 2 buns and cooked them all on a pan until they were crispy like a grilled cheese sandwich. Then I fried 3 eggs and put them on the crisped buns with a little bit of cheddar. I took left over mashed potatoes from dinner a few nights ago and fried them in a pan with some sauteed onions to make a crispy, browned coating on the potatoes and served them as a side. I liked the spicy mayo on the eggs. I could have used a little lettuce or tomato on the sandwich but I was just working with what I had at the time. To be honest the bread was from hot dog buns. Don't be wasty, the Ent always said. I think.

   I have so much to share! Tomorrow, I transform a jar into...well, something else. Excited?

-Dustpan